Hello. I've been wanting to write this for a very long time, but with one reason after another I have been postponing it. Well, now is the day!
I am a Mom of two, ages 3 and 1&1/2 AND almost 9 months pregnant with kid number three. I would be lying if I said my life was a "breeze" and perfect because it is not. And that's what I'm sharing with you today in hopes that a mom somewhere that needs to reads this does and knows that she's not alone.
First off - hormones. They are a motherfucker. I am so sick of dealing with stupid hormones. Pregnancy hormones are the worst for me and especially this pregnancy. Around month 5 of pregnancy my panic attacks due to anxiety/stress got so bad that I had to get on medication. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I needed to do it for my sanity and so I could mother to the best of my ability. The medicine has helped but I still have several days of feeling down and angry. I don't know why because who can't handle a 3 year old ornery boy and a 1.5 year old that LOVES to be held and whines because of big brother messing with her every second of the day...I mean, seriously. Oh, and then there's the housework, bills, obligated events to attend, grocery shopping, etc.
Second - GUILT. Guilt of not feeling good enough. Guilt of not spending enough one on one time with each child or even both of them because the tv is your savior for the day. Guilt for the house not being clean when your husband comes home from working 12-14 hour days every day. Guilt for wondering if you fed your children the right food for their little growing bodies so they don't get the ever growing diabetes that the world is inflicted with now days. Guilt for not calling or writing people back in a good time period because you'd rather cut your legs off than try to talk on the phone while your children scream, fight and pine for your attention the whole time. Guilt for also being on your phone TOO MUCH because some days social media is the only way I know what's going on in the world and gives me the entertainment I need to continue.
Third - isolation. I stay at home to raise my kids. That's what my husband and I decided was best for our family. Some days I do wish that I worked just so I could get away and out of the house, help with money and have adult conversations. I'm lucky to have my Scentsy and Posh business to keep me busy in a non mom way and make connections locally. With all of that being said, I do not regret my decision to stay home and raise my children. Plus, where I live, our options for daycare isn't really the best and neither are the job options for the pay rate I would need to be able to afford daycare. I am sure there are plenty of working moms that wish they could stay home with their reasons and I totally get it! We all do that and have our reasons. I am still very grateful I get to do this "job" and I wouldn't want it any other way. I try my best to not take it for granted that I get to raise my kids. I can stay in my pjs all day if I want, go to the park any time, visit my family when it is possible, etc. Speaking of family...I do have some great in-laws around me, but I miss my family tremendously. And my friends - my best friends. I left them to move here to be with my husband. I never imagine how hard it would be to be here with kids and not have my village with me.
Lastly - comparison. I am so sick of my problem with comparing myself to other women, especially moms. It seems now days there are these "perfect" women/mothers that I cannot get away from seeing on social media. It's almost been so bad that I have considered closing all of my accounts and living back in the stone ages. But I do have my business pages on facebook and family members far away that love seeing pictures of the kids so I keep it active.
SO if you're like me trying to make it through the day wondering if you're doing it right...you probably are. Hopefully you've got someone to call to vent or advice (thanks Mom). And hopefully you have a significant other that lets you escape sometimes, even if it's just to get groceries alone because that can feel like a vacation. And we all know that even a drive where you get to blast the music you don't get to listen to anymore can be all the therapy you need. Hang in there. I am trying to ;) I keep telling myself that this is just a phase and one day I'm going to be sad it's over. I know I will. Until then, I'll keep counting the hours of the day until my rescue support comes home and keep searching for new activities that help my kiddos (and me) stay happy...